If Only
by Hisawa Kana
Summary: Today too I keep thinking about her. Today too I still love her. Today too I keep thinking about 'if only' I did this or did that to her. ShinAya. Rate T for safety. OneShot. Kind of inspired from Lost Time Memory and Toumei Answer.


A/N: A random oneshot of ShinAya that came to my mind suddenly. This is the first time I have written for this fandom, and I know I'm supposed to update my other on-going fics which have been on... a long hiatus. I will try my best updating the others.

Disclaimer: Kagerou Project was owned by Jin. I only own this fanfiction story's plot.

Beta-ed by: Tsuna 4 Cn4s

* * *

**If Only**

* * *

_I regret everything._

"Shintaro-kun, Shintaro-kun! Look!"

A cheery voice interrupts my nap, just when I was finally falling asleep. I know it has to be Tateyama Ayano, for no one else ever sounds so happy. It's not like I harbor any special feelings for the brown haired girl; but when you are pretty much ignored because the rest of your class has given up trying to communicate with you, yet a strange girl keeps talking to you, of course you end up remembering that person's voice.

Beside, she's the only one-besides the teacher-who dares disrupt my nap time.

"...What is it this time?" I yawn and sit up, resting my chin on my hand.

With rosy red cheeks and an extremely contagious bright smile that could instantly light up the classroom-okay, that's too dramatic-she shows me a piece of paper. A 70 is written on it.

"...So?"

Obviously disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm, Ayano begins to pout. "It's my lastest math test, Shintaro-kun! You taught me this! This is the best score I ever got for math, since I entered middle school!"

I suppress a sigh. 'Her report is not that good, but I guess it isn't bad...'

"Ah, nice for you, then."

Settling down on her chair which is, either luckily or not, beside my own, she puts back on her smile.

"Shintaro-kun, can't you say anything else? You know, that promise..."

"Promise?" I raise one eyebrow and her expression immediately turns into one of an abandoned, abused, puppy.

That first time when I tried to tutor her in math... Did I promise something...?

• • •

"This one's easy. You can pass this."

"I'm not as smart as you, Shintaro-kun. Ehehe, my head is not that good, you know?"

"I think what you lack is motivation."

"Motivation? You have one, Shintaro-kun?"

"What makes you think I don't have any?"

"Can you tell me what it is?"

"..."

Sitting in the thoughtful silence, Ayano suddenly giggled. She stopped, though, when she heard me sigh.

"You really don't have any motivation..."

"Hmm... Ah, Shintaro-kun, Shintaro-kun! I know! How about you give me something if I pass this test?"

"... I don't have that much money, you know." I shrugged.

Ever since Dad's death, Mother had been working alone. We received a lot of help from our relatives, sure, but my mother was still cautious about spending money.

Which resulted in small monthly allowances.

Though it's not like I needed much money. I use it for buying junk, or simply save it, most of the time.

Who knows what will happen, right?

"Ugh!" The girl beside me shook her head. " I just want Shintaro-kun to pat my head and say 'You've done your best'!"

"...What the... What kind of motivation is that?!"

"Ayano's kind of motivation!"

I felt another heavy sigh trying to escape. "Well sure thing... Just make sure you pass, though..."

"I will!"

• • •

"You mean that thing!"

Ayano nods, before looking at me, waiting eagerly.

"...Why did I promise something like that..." I grunt, before looking into her brown eyes. Slowly, even though I can't see it myself, I know my face is steadily growing redder.

Ayano's face is still the same, smiling, expecting me to do that type of thing right now.

So, hesitantly, after making sure my classmates were too occupied with their own business to notice, I reach out my hand and place it gently on her head. "...Y-you've done your best..." I murmur, while patting her soft, fluffy hair.

"Hehe!" The girl grins, looking so happy. " Thank you, Shintaro-kun!"

I scratch my cheek. "...You're welcome... Just make sure you didn't make me... Do this kind of thing...again..."

"Okay!" She squeaks. "I'll ask Shintaro-kun to pinch my cheek next time!"

"..."

That is her, alright.

Tateyama Ayano is that kind of girl.

She always smiles, is kind and gentle to everyone. Even to someone like me.

It is strange, having someone outside my family taking the time to talk and get to know me. New, yet nice. Though I would never admit it to her face, I appreciate her efforts. That's why, when I found her crying the next day, I was far from pleased.

• • •

_'What should I do?'_ I ask myself silently. I was supposed to be Kisaragi Shintaro, the awkward fifteen year old boy with zero social skills. How could anyone actually expect me to talk to a crying Ayano and comfort her?

Instead, I turn around and leave the classroom.

• • •

The next morning, the girl is again wearing her usual smile, as if nothing had happened.

And I feel guilty.

Had she cried because of her scores?

If it was that, than she would be crying all the time. But Ayano never cries; she always has the same ridiculous grin on. So that's definitely not the reason. Plus, despite her happy-go-lucky attitude, she is strong. A simple bad score wouldn't affect her that much.

Her family, perhaps? No, not likely.

After all, Ayano always sounds so proud of her family, whenever she babbles about them to me-which is quite often. About how they eat breakfast together, how cute her siblings are even though they are not related by blood. So no; her family is not the reason.

She was okay in class and our classmates enjoy being with her. Now that I think about it, I have never heard someone say anything bad about Ayano. Perhaps that annoying Enomoto-san would know? No; she is too worried about Haruka-senpai, Ayano wouldn't add to her burdens by confessing any of her own problems. Haruka-senpai! Maybe he is the answer! Did his condition get even worse? But if something happened, wouldn't Ayano tell me? Certainly Enomoto-san would. I mean, what else are friends for-

Wait.

Could it be me? Am... I the problem?

I may be too embarassed to say it out loud, but I know me and Ayano are.. friends.

She spends a lot of time with me, too.

It's not impossible to assume I accidentally hurt her feelings. I usually don't even pay attention to what I say, especially when I am in one of my moods.

Is it... me?

Today, I decide to go home without waiting for Ayano.

• • •

"Shintaro-kun wait!"

I instantly flinch, coming to a stop.

Ayano runs to catch up to me, panting heavily. "Y-you have been avoiding me... for like... days! Did I... do something... w-wrong...?"

_'No, it's me.'_

I don't answer, but Ayano doesn't seem to mind. She straightens up and smiles, offering me her hand. "Let's go home, together."

_'You may get hurt again...'_

"Let go off me."

"What...?" I bite into my lower lip, unable to bear Ayano's hurt expression. Hurt and utter shock were painted on her usual happy face.

"...I... I won't let go."

_'Why?'_

"Get away from me." I clench my fist, not daring to look up. I don't want to see Ayano's face right now. At least not when it looked like that. "You're so annoying."

I turn suddenly, walking away and leaving her standing alone. Not once do I allow myself to look back.

'It is my fault; I shouldn't be so mean to her.

_'I shouldn't..._

_'Have gotten so close from the start.'_

• • •

The next day, I am surprised to find Ayano acting perfectly normal when we meet up at school.

"Shintaro-kun must have been in a bad mood, yesterday." She pokes me playfully on the shoulder, smiling knowingly. "I'm sorry for annoying you."

I can't help but curse myself.

Someone like me doesn't even deserve her time.

I stare at her, guilt and regret weighing on my chest. Whether it's because she notices my expression or simply hates the sudden silence, Ayano pokes me again.

"Shintaro-kun, do you have any problems? You look so gloomy, you know." The brown haired girl asks in concern. "You look like this!" She tries to imitate my face, which truthfully looks quiet cute.

Still, I say nothing, not knowing how to reply.

"Umm... If Shintaro-kun doesn't want to speak about it, it is okay..." Ayano smiles again.

How long has her smile looked so... forced?

"But you know, if anything happens, you can tell me. We are friends, after all! No matter what, I will stay by your side and I will never hate you!"

My eyes widen. What could make her say such a thing? Could she know what I am thinking? Why I was really so dismissive of her?

A heart beat passes.

Something about Ayano's sentence cuts me.

"Ah, thanks." I smile slightly.

Right, there's no reason to keep thinking about it.

She just said that she will never hate me.

And if Ayano means that, I can tell her everything. I suppose she knows that I will expect the same thing from her.

But that never got to happen. She had to leave this world...

Without reason,

Without goodbye.

Leaving just a simple white paper crane that she made out of my torn test paper.

I am such an idiot.

I should have asked her that time.

If only I had, then maybe...

Maybe she would still be here, smiling.

Today, I regret everything and keep thinking_ 'if only'_.

Today too...

I still love you...

Ayano.

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The End

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Uuuuuh it looks so weird, I haven't write any fanfictions for a long time...

This is just kind of re-telling and how I interpret Shintaro's action on the beginning of Lost Time Memory.

So, are you sad reading this? Or no reaction?

Please do review and tell me what you think about this story~!


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